Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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