Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
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What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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