Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
