I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
