Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Randomize
