11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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