i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
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