I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
