I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
