Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
