Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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