we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
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I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
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Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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