I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
