I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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