you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
