My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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