idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
