I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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