Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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