Say something about gay babies.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize