the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
zippers are such a cool invention
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Randomize
