She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
