sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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