Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
