Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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