Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
