saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
