He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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