i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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