Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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