dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I have demons in me.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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