I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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