When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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