Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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