I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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