we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
