There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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