ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Semen is not good for contacts.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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