Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me