there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.