I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
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My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
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You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
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