i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Randomize
