A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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