he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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