There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
