you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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