Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
