why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
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