she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
