weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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