I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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