i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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