IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
