I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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