shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
