I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
