were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
