I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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