your room smells of hookers.
And success
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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